- Men and women tend to adopt “his” career goals as “ours,” with the woman doing extra work to help her partner achieve his goals.
- Conversely, men and women tend to adopt “her” household goals as “ours,” with the woman doing extra work deciding how to run the household.
- Power imbalances that favor men in relationships have not gone away, but rather been transformed into a form of invisible power.
Introduction
It’s 2024. The notion that men should be career-focused and women should be focused on running the household is as dead and gone as the twentieth century.
Or is it? A new article in Gender & Society makes a convincing argument that this is not the case. In it, authors Jaclyn S. Wong and Allison Daminger present evidence that male power in different-gender couples has not gone away, but rather rendered invisible.
Read on to learn more about their research into couples’ decision making, and what we can do about the problems they raise.
Background
In today’s society, understanding the dynamics of power in relationships among different-gender couples is crucial. This understanding helps us see how decisions in areas like careers, housework, and parenting are influenced by who holds more power in the relationship. Let’s break down the key concepts and ideas from the research on this topic into simpler terms:
The Importance of Power in Relationships
Voluminous research shows that in many couples, women often end up doing more housework and have less freedom in their careers. This suggests that even in modern relationships, there’s an imbalance in power, with men often having more control.
Types of Power in Relationships
In 1989, Aafke Komter articulated three different types of power that show up in romantic relationships. Understanding these three types of power is critical to understanding power dynamics in relationships:
- Manifest Power: This type of power is clear and visible. It shows up when one person wants to make a change, and the other resists. There is open disagreement.
- Latent Power: This is more about the power of anticipation. Here, one partner might not even bring up an issue, expecting that the other will disagree. This often leads to resentment or resignation.
- Invisible Power: This is the trickiest form of power, where the imbalance in power is accepted as natural or normal without any visible disagreement or conflict. This is the kind of power that results when man and woman both uncritically accept patriarchal gender roles.
Changing Views on Gender Roles
Although the concept of men being the main earners and women handling home tasks was once widely accepted, views are shifting. More people now believe in shared responsibilities at home and in careers. However, research has found that even with these changing attitudes, women still tend to do more housework, and men’s careers often take priority.
Decisions in Relationships
Wong and Daminger want to investigate why gender imbalances persist by looking more closely at the decision-making of couples in relationships. In particular, they want to use Komter’s framework to study educated, progressive, upper-middle-class couples who believe their decisions are “mutual.” Their research, they argue, makes three valuable contributions to the literature on power dynamics in different-gender relationships:
- Consensus-Driven Decision-Making: They explore how couples make decisions when each participant is not competing to win, but collaborating to ensure both partners’ needs are met. They point out that just because fair, mutual decision-making is the overt goal doesn’t mean power imbalances can’t prevail.
- The Role of Invisible Labor: A significant part of their analysis looks at the unseen, often underappreciated work involved in decision-making. This invisible labor, which includes everything from mental effort to emotional management, tends to fall disproportionately on women.
- The Concept of Relationship Capital: Building on existing theories, Wong and Daminger examine how couples accumulate and spend “relationship capital” — a kind of credit earned through supporting one another’s decisions. This capital can be used over time and across different life domains, influencing future negotiations and decisions within the relationship.
Methods
Wong and Daminger looked at 112 interviews from two separate studies. One focused on big career decisions, like moving for a job, while the other delved into everyday choices around housework and childcare. This approach allowed them to see how couples navigate both socially valued decisions (like careers) and those less valued (like domestic chores).
Career Decisions Study (CDS):
- Participants: 12 couples, mostly married or engaged, without children at the start.
- Method: Each person was interviewed twice, initially about their job search and later about the outcomes and impacts of their decisions.
- Recruitment: Through emails at various universities, ensuring a mix of fields and who was the primary job seeker.
- Interviews: Conducted in various settings, including in-person and over Zoom, with follow-ups to track decision outcomes over time.
Housework Decisions Study (HDS):
- Participants: 32 couples, all with at least one young child and college-educated.
- Method: Interviews focused on how they manage household tasks and make related decisions.
- Recruitment: Mainly through online forums and referrals, with an effort to include stay-at-home dads.
- Interviews: Each partner was interviewed separately, starting with discussions on decisions logged over 24 hours.
Analysis
The authors coded the transcripts based on interview questions and topics, then summarized and compared responses to look for patterns. By examining both partners’ accounts, they could identify how couples collectively navigate decisions, highlighting both agreements and discrepancies.
Through discussion and further analysis, they identified key themes, like the concept of “mutuality”—where partners prioritize the family unit and work together towards common goals. Their analysis was a cycle of coding, memo writing, and discussions, allowing them to refine our understanding of the data and develop a unified argument about power dynamics in couples’ decision-making.
Furthermore, while each study had its own focus, the authors also asked questions that allowed them to see how decisions in one area (e.g., careers) affected the other (e.g., domestic life).
Findings
Most couples aspired to fairness and mutuality in their decision-making processes, and Wong and Daminger note several instances in which this was actually achieved. (For example, a man limits his job search to the same area where his partner is living, instead of searching elsewhere and attempting to force her to move with him.)
However, Wong and Daminger also identified many cases when gender imbalances favoring the man snuck into the decision-making process. They elegantly summarize their findings as follows:
Power imbalances crept in when CDS couples adopted “his” vision as “ours” and both partners did cognitive labor to advance his career interests. Power imbalances emerged in HDS when “her” vision was adopted as “ours” but women invested more decision-making labor to advance the interests of children and the family. Temporal balance proved troublesome in CDS, and balance across work and family domains reinforced gendered separate spheres in HDS. Yet couples rarely tracked these inequalities, allowing them to claim they were “working together” to get “our way.”
In other words:
- For big career decisions, the man’s preferences tended to be adopted as “their” preferences. Women often found themselves enlisted in doing work (both overtly and covertly) helping their male partner achieve his career goals.
- Conversely, with household chores, the woman’s vision often prevailed. But this apparent achievement was not as equitable as it seems, because with that victory came a lot of additional work making decisions regarding children and chores.
- The end result was that the woman–even though she may not have been doing all of the physical labor around the house–was doing much more mental labor figuring out how to run the household, and at the same time was chipping in additional labor helping her partner achieve his career goals.
- As Wong and Daminger point out, “couples rarely tracked these inequalities.” They were a form of invisible power the man held. Both partners believed they were being equitable and fair when, in fact, they were not.
The dynamic here is one in which the focus upon mutuality, or “working together,” obscures rather than eliminates power imbalances. Male power in relationships has not gone away. It has simply been transformed into something different and invisible.
What Can You Do?
Addressing the invisible power imbalances in different-gender relationships requires conscious effort and commitment from both partners. Here are some steps you can take to promote fairness and equality in your relationship:
- Open Communication: Regularly discuss your goals, responsibilities, and expectations with your partner. Ensure that both voices are heard and valued equally.
- Shared Decision-Making: Actively involve both partners in making decisions, whether they’re related to career choices, household chores, or parenting responsibilities.
- Equal Distribution of Labor: Strive for a fair division of both physical and mental labor. This includes housework, emotional support, and decision-making.
- Acknowledge Invisible Labor: Recognize and appreciate the unseen efforts that go into managing a household and supporting each other’s careers.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries around work and personal life to prevent one partner’s career from overshadowing the other’s needs or aspirations.
- Challenge Gender Norms: Question traditional gender roles and expectations that may influence your relationship dynamics. Encourage flexibility in roles and responsibilities.
- Support Each Other’s Goals: Actively support each other’s personal and professional goals, ensuring that one partner’s ambitions don’t come at the expense of the other’s.
- Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular check-ins to assess the balance in your relationship and make adjustments as needed.
- Seek External Support: Consider counseling or therapy to address power imbalances and improve communication and cooperation in your relationship.
- Educate Yourself: Stay informed about issues of gender equality and power dynamics in relationships. Use this knowledge to foster a more balanced and equitable partnership.
By taking these steps, couples can work towards a more balanced and equitable relationship, where both partners feel valued and supported in their personal and professional lives.
Have you encountered any of these power imbalances in your relationships? What have you done to address them? Let us know in the comments!
